Mustang

“I could jump that fence.. right now…

And I want to.. so bad.. Everything in me craves that open space I see, that one over there on the other side..

I love that fence, but still somehow just the sight of it seems to taunt me, as if it knows, that it stands between me and there. Funny, in a sense, how even the created things are aware, that I’m meant for the other side of that fence, destined for freedom.

Even the trees seem puzzled at the sight of me still here, on this side of the fence. I feel the pressure there, it's like an old unwelcome friend.

But I’m not gonna jump it. Not this time.

I dig my heel into this ground to steady myself, and I’m surprised that there’s strength left to do so, for every muscle and bone in my body seems weary from standing here.

But once again, I swallow hard, and with all I have left, I breathe in, and it feels like I’m drinking the air that I’m wrapped in.

The coolness of that air hits hard against that restlessness that’s buried in my lungs, and something in me quickens with life.

The tension in my pulse and behind my neck begins a slow release. And suddenly… I hear my Master speak..

His voice comes from behind me.. and also from in front, from somewhere on the other side of that fence.
Is there anything like hearing that Voice...

When He speaks to me, it seems it's almost always directly to that part of my heart that they don't have names for on this side of heaven.. the part that's ferocisous and tender alike, that part that always reacts to my Master's voice..

"Beloved," my Master says..

“You are not a runner anymore.”

The wind sweeps through, and the fence doesn’t move, but something is changing in the air, and His sweet peace wraps all around me.

“You are no longer a wild, reckless one, for now I’ve made you, in this very place, a strong, steady one.”

“Mustang, your speed and strength is in the standing, not the sprinting.."

Movement catches my heart’s attention, and when I look back at the fence, I can see His hand on it now.

He draws open the gate.. and I when He speaks this time, I can feel Him grinning, even though I can't see His face.

He motions towards the open space.. and says, “I had to keep you here, until I could trust you with freedom.”

“Mustangs run by nature, because of fear and rebellion. I’ve called you to no longer run for fear’s sake, but for freedom’s sake.”

It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery - Galatians 5:1

Holla Back.

Over the past few weeks, there have been some things that God has been speaking to me, and just last night, He brought them all together into this message in my heart, and connected them.

A few very specific biblical truths and accounts kept finding their way to me, and it all seemed kind of random until now. First, the story of Peter walking on the water towards Jesus. Second, the accounts of the Israelites in the desert, between bondage and the Promised Land, and third, Philippians 2:14, which says, “do everything without grumbling or complaining.” While all of those seem sporadic, it turns out, that they all share one very important common message..

                                  Response.

In Matthew 14, the bible tells us about the time when Peter got out of a boat in a stormy sea, and walked towards Jesus. I have heard more sermons preached from these passages than probably any other story in the bible, but what God spoke to me about I've never heard before from a pulpit. 

First let me say, faith is a big deal to God. In fact, the bible tells us that without faith, it’s impossible to please God. (Hebrews 11:6). But in reading this story about Peter’s faith, and lack thereof that soon followed, I believe God spoke to my heart about Peter’s “response”. Faith isn't meant to be stepped over by saying all of this, in fact, the faith is most tangible in the response, not in the waves.

It was never about the storm, or even the waves. It wasn’t even about walking on water. The most significant part of that account of Peter’s life, is that when Jesus said, “come”, Peter made a decision to respond. Beyond the fear. Beyond the waves.

If the waves or the believing he could walk on water were the point of Jesus beckoning Peter, then Jesus would have given up on Peter when his faith failed, and he began to sink. For Jesus, the faith that strengthened the bond between Himself and Peter, was ultimately in the response.

If faith comes by hearing the Word of God (and it does..) then I believe faith stands by responding to the Word of God.

See, all too often, I’ve spent time waiting on God to respond to me, sometimes so desperate for His direction or leading, that I’ve even begged His response. I think He’s showing me now, that many of those times, He was actually waiting on me to respond to Him, in what He’d already said. I think that’s true for all of us. {or maybe its just me..} ;)

Let me give you a hint in all this.. 

The right response to God is always thanks, for what He’s already done and said.

That doesn’t mean that you never express your concerns or hurts to God, in fact, we’re supposed to. (1 Peter 5:7), but it means that the heart of our response to God should always be gratitude. Your flesh might wince at that like mine does, {“always?? As in.. ALWAYS??“} but.. well.. yes. Always.

We’re told to “do everything without grumbling or complaining” (Philippians 2:14), I’m gonna go ahead and assume “everything” means, in fact, “everything”.. including, and maybe especially talking to a Holy God, and our Father who sent His Son to be murdered on a cross on our behalf.

Just sayin'. 

Trust me when I say that I'm learning this, not an expert at it, nor do I pretend I've mastered this. But, at the sake of sounding like a cheeseball.. I have heard from the Lord, and I'm responding to it with everything I've got.

Here’s another hint.. 

Let your response begin at the cross, not where you are now. 

When the bloody cross is the starting point, that whole gratitude and not grumbling thing gets a whole lot easier. At least for me it does.

I’m practical. I like to hear practical stuff when I read stuff like I write. So I’m gonna give you this.. Practically speaking, what I’m saying is:

Wrong response.. “I hate my life. This sucks. You suck, I suck. They suck..I trusted You, and (insert frustration here). “

Prayed that a few times. It avails very little “response”. ;)

Right response.. “Thank You for the cross.. Thank You that Your Word says that Your plans for me are for good, and not to harm me. Thank You that You are faithful, and true. God I don’t see it, and I’m having a hard time with (insert frustration here).. But I choose to believe that You are with me, simply because You said You will never leave me nor forsake me.”

I pray this one about daily, and He always responds with more grace, more joy, more peace, and more of His strength. Always..

If you still question how unexplainably important our response to God is, I challenge you to read Numbers, read about the Israelites in the desert. Pay attention to their responses, and what it caused them.

An 11 day trip to the Promised Land turned into 40 years in the desert. And it wasn’t their consistent disobedience that caused that, or even idol worship or sin. What got them put in that desert was the nature of their response to God.

If for the rest of our lives, things were so bad that all we could ever fully believe in, was the cross of Jesus Christ, that would be more than enough to live a life where we are daily responding to God with thankfulness and humility.

No, really. If you dont think so, then what you need is a fresh revelation of the cross, and what Jesus did there, before any of this will register with you.

One of my favorite Bible teachers, Steven Furtick, says often, “when you don’t know what God’s will is for you or your life, stop striving to hear something new, and go back to the very last thing you know He said, and obey that.”

In other words.. {respond.}

If you don’t know what that last thing is, or you don’t think there is one, that’s an easy fix too… open your bible. Start with James. Obey that. Even if its just one verse, one part. Walk that out well, because that’s a response that matters, and you don’t have to wonder if He said it. Or if it was for you.

He did, and it is.

So, respond.

We can read His Word all day, hear the messages, receive prophetic words, and even sing worship songs.. But if we’re not intentionally responding to what He’s first of all done and said on the cross, and secondly done and saying now, there’s no growing intimacy.

He is speaking. He always has been. He’s not about games or puzzles, and the things He wants us to find through seeking can only be found through responding to what He’s said before then.

Again, something practical comes to mind..

If your child (or hypothetical child) has a cell phone (or hypothetical cell phone..), and you text them, and say, “hi honey, what are you doing?”, and they don’t respond, there’s a sense of disconnect. (and one less child having a cell phone.. But lets stay on track.) ;)

If they were to text you and ignore the question but ask you for some allowance, you probably would have some issues with that. I know I would.

Thankfully, our Father is merciful and His grace is bigger than our selfishness.. But isn’t that what we’re doing to Jesus when we are pleading for His response on our terms, instead of honoring Him in responding to what He says? 

A real relationship with Jesus Christ begins with a response. And that's how it's strengthened. That's the place intimacy begins, and that's where it remains.

Today, I just wanted to encourage whoever needs to hear it, besides me, to respond to what the Lord has already done. Starting with the shedding of His blood, and on up unto today and into the promises that He's given us in His Word.

Intimacy in a relationship comes from a series of responses. Intimacy in a relationship is destroyed or lost by lack of response, or negative response.

What He spoke to your heart, believe it.
What He asked you to do, obey it.


Holla back.

Sow Invested. ;)

“Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously” - 2 Corinthians 9:6

The whole farming principle used often in the bible has been pretty ridiculously changing my heart lately. Maybe God is using that because I'm country, and dig the whole farming thing.. {no pun intended..}

So I came across this verse in 2nd Corinthians, and it was one of those moments of, “I’ve read this so many times, how did I miss that..??” I read that verse, and it went so deep into my heart that I think I’ll never be able to be nearly as selfish as I was before I read it recently.

Often, very deep works come through just one word spoken by the Holy Spirit..

{and in my case, repeated over and over because He’s patient and full of grace, and I’m stubborn and selfish..I love mercy.}

Have you ever had the Holy Spirit totally interrupt your whining and fit throwing, and complaining and say the exact opposite of what you’re wanting to hear? I have.{like every time I whine..} In the midst of tears and “why this, and “but God I did..” dialougue, God spoke to my heart, in His gentle, still small voice and simply said, “invest.”

I’d love to say that I’m all holier than though and was ecstatic and grateful to hear His voice, but I wasn’t. I was irritated. Had He ignored everything I said? Or did He just hear me wrong..? Yeah yeah, I get it, He’s Jesus, and He’s selfless, and He’s done so much for me, but He’s Jesus for God's sake (ha), of course HE can do that... So I keep whining, right?.. " I don’t know how to stop right here in the middle of my tantrum and think about “investing”.. So instead of sayin, “okay, Lord.”, I explained how I felt, and attempted to get His attention back on my complaints. {lol.. again, I love mercy..}

And He spoke again, and said, “I know.. I know that it’s not easy. But in your weakness, My strength is made perfect.” And in that moment, He never felt more near to me. I got it. I understood He wasn’t asking me to do anything but be willing, and open my heart up to what He wanted to do.. He already provided the grace, before He even asked me to obey..

The “with” me became a little more real, and the distance that we perceive between us and Heaven closed up into this tiny space. I felt safer in His difficult request in that moment, than I’ve ever felt inside my own jacked up ideas of self protection..

It’s funny how the Word of God seems to stalk you when He’s trying to give you new freedom. Suddenly that word “invest” was everywhere. New opportunities to invest time and attention in other people came up. And it seemed like every time I opened my bible or email, there was something connected to unselfishness, or reaping and sowing.

I’m so thankful that I serve a God who is very much alive, and loves me enough to invest in me.. Over and over.

And lo and behold {that's so fun to say}.. there it was again.. that image, once again, of that red blood running down that cross that drove the word “invest“ so deep into my heart.

I thought of how that cross what the ultimate investment in others, at any and every cost, not thinking of Himself. I feel like I got an even deeper revelation of the cross.. That what got Jesus through that agony, the physical pain, and the emotional torment of all of the sin of the world being placed on Him.. the only thing that made it possible to endure all of that, (when He knew at any moment He could quit..)  was keeping His mind and heart set on the lives that He was investing in..

He was thinking of the faces.. The people.. Not as a mass crowd, not as nations, but as individual hearts and lives.. I believe He showed me that, and revealed to me that those faces and hearts were the only thing that gave Him the strength to stand back up every time the glass and leather ripped another piece of skin off His back..

If that revelation doesn't change a selfish perspective.. I dont know what could. I know that it wrecked me, and humbled me beyond words. Needless to say.. I didn't feel like whining anymore..;)

So, I’m learning to walk that out. And He has given me such incredible freedom through it all. What’s most incredible about obedience, is its always for us. My eternity is settled, I’m His forever. What He asks of me is for my ultimate good..Obedience is always a seed sown, promised to reap a harvest.

This was not easy, but it was yet another way of Him taking the time to invest in me.. Once again, His selflessness.. His grace.. His mercy..

For me.. But not about me.

This revelation of investing / sowing actually started with my closest relationship, revealing that what keeps it strong and close, is investing time in it. And what opens the door to strife and offense, is when the chaos of everyday life takes that away, and we let it. As God showed us that, it’s been so easy. We just keep investing time and attention into each other, and it continues to bear Fruit.

Then came some stretching, as God led me to begin investing time in others. Friendships that seemed to have just faded with time, and relationships that had unhealed offenses. God called me to lay down the offenses, or just reach out to people that I hadnt talked to.. and just invest my time in those people. Simple things, like a text or dinner, having conversations and actually listening. Encouraging them. Praying for them. Letting it truly be about them, not me. {This is where I found out how very selfish I am.} And slowly God begin to pull that selfishness out of my heart, and replace it with joy, and deeper friendships, solid relationships. Laughter.. {oh man, the laughter… }

As I’ve learned to sow abundantly, His promise that I would reap abundantly has come to life through me. His Word is unbending, unshakeable, and He is so incredibly faithful to it. That's the legacy I want to leave. I love that He's letting me live it, see it, know it.

Here’s what’s on my heart to share from all of this..

Especially in relationships of any kind between two believers, we need to be sowing. Time, attention, love, encouragement.

You know what I’ve learned most about that? That when the enemy starts bombarding you with thoughts of offense, assumptions and stabs to try to cause division, if you’ll just stop right there and invest time or love into that relationship, even as simply as a text to say, “love you dude.”.. the devil doesn’t know what the crap to do with that..

It baffles him..

That joker can play all day with offense and assumptions, but when it comes to investing in the very place we feel vulnerable and threatened, it’s game over. He’ll come back around, but he gets bored really quick with losing.

My religious twitch is a little startled by what I’m saying, to be honest. It feels like emphasizing relationships and truly Christ centered (selfless) relationships inside the Body of Christ is contradictory to the cause of Christ - reaching the lost, and preaching the gospel.. But as that tries to discourage whats on my heart to write, I feel like the Lord is saying to me..

“if we cant love each other well, and if we cant reflect His love here, inside the Church, we will not be able to love well outside the Church, and we will do more damage than good for the Kingdom. If we can’t get it right here, we’re not ready to do it out there..”

That’s the very essence of why the world views us as hypocrites.. We don’t even love each other right. We, as in, collectively, the entirety of those who claim to be followers of Christ.. We preach mercy, but withhold it from a preacher that falls into sin, or a brother or sister that offends us. {guilty.}

So, I say we start here.

With each other.

Lets sow love, time, attention, mercy. Abundantly.
Let’s leave the reaping to God, and just be obedient to what He’s saying.

When we’re offended, we handle it the way the Bible says to. We take God at His Word, even when its hard.

I have seen God do the most incredible things in that, and at the times when we’ve had to sit down and talk through things, it was awkward and painful, and we had no idea how it was ever going to be okay. But now I laugh with those same people, and God has made us a family, and the whole thing is bearing buttloads of Fruit. {yes.. I said buttloads..} I know that we’d never have had that outside of His order and following His Word through the ugly parts.

Let’s invest.

And when it gets too hard, or we are too prideful, let’s set our eyes back up on that cross, and the investment that was first made for us, in the dying, and in the getting back up.

xoxo  - Krissy

Insignificant.

in·sig·nif·i·cant/ˌinsigˈnifikənt/

Adjective:

Too small or unimportant to be worth consideration. Having little or no meaning Small in size or value {Truth} I hate that people will read this, and in some cases, the lust for details or curiosity about the “who” or the “what” will override the message behind it. Its not about the “who” or “what”, those things are actually irrelevant. I pray that “Who” with a capital W is exalted through this more than any lower case “who”, and choose to write it in absolute truth, despite the assumptions or curiosities.  {Truth} I don’t know how to write this completely genuinely, without it sounding a little like Eeyore. It’s about sadness, but its more about holding the hand of my Savior, in every part of my journey.. Not just the "frolicking through fields of daisies" kind of days. Again, I pray that the Savior is exalted.. more so than Eeyore. {Truth} I’m in a really great place in my journey with Jesus Christ, and in my life, which to me, are one in the same. Or at least that’s my intention every day. I’m in a season of freedom, feeling and experiencing things on new levels and in new ways. It was just a few days ago that I said, "I wish it hadn’t taken me thirty years to figure out how to enjoy my life.." I still feel that way. I just also feel really small today. {On a side note, please don't comment or try to say something Christianese or cliche to encourage me like, "you're supposed to feel small". I understand the attempt at humility in that, but its not biblical. God has never said He wanted us to be nobodies. He actually says quite the opposite. Humble is one thing, but the whole theology I hear so often about how we're supposed to be invisible people is not what the Word says. But that's a whole other blog.. let me get back on the other train..} I feel insignificant, at the hands of people and circumstances, and honestly, sometimes that has a way of consequently making me feel small to God. In my head, I know my value and worth are not up to people. And I am grateful for that. People have a way of sucking. People have a way of dismissing you, overlooking you, treating you like you’re small.  I am part of that same people. I pray that the days like this are the ones that grow me the most, and motivate me more to invest in people and pay attention to how I communicate their value to me. The beautiful thing about feeling small and cast aside, is the feeling it. Bare with me.. That may or may not make sense in a minute… Truly feeling it is a semi-new thing for me, and the girl I was {before Jesus Christ really got a hold of my heart} rarely had these days. But I've learned over the past few years, truly feeling our trials and pain is the only way to really grasp the magnitude of the cross. When people made me feel small before Christ, my pride and selfishness was always there to remind me how wrong they were, and make them feel even smaller in return. But when Jesus calls you out of darkness, there are no disclaimers. He doesn’t warn you that the coping mechanisms that sin has built up in you don’t work anymore once He takes over your heart. He asks you to feel things, experience things, even the hard stuff.. Even the hurt..authentically.. But He promises to hold your hand and cover you in grace in every moment of it.{and He does. Without fail, even when we dont see it until later, looking back.} Feeling the things I feel now, I often wish I still had some of those coping mechanisms.. {"crap, this hurts.. where is my mask.??!" moments}   Sometimes I miss my little false sense of protection.  Today, I did.  The problem with those though, is that they don’t really protect you from hurt, or disappointment, or even feeling small, they just numb it and stuff it down, where it can destroy you from the inside out. So the actually feeling it.. Is healing it.. {And that’s beautiful.. especially if you know what its like to not be healed.}. So.. insignificance..  We’re naturally selfish, right.. {right. If you said to yourself that you aren't, you kinda sorta just proved my point..} ;) We’re naturally caught up in our best interest, our thoughts, our will, our opinions. All of us. We all fall short of the glory of God. We all sin. And we all make decisions, and have moments where something we do makes others feel insignificant. I’m no different. I’m working on it.. But still, I stumble every single day in it. Today was just a series of events that led to a moment in the tired heart that often feels misunderstood, misjudged, and sometimes just labeled “doesn’t matter” by the words and actions of people in my life, or not in my life. I joked to my best friend that this whole day just felt like a parade of people and circumstances that just strolled by, one after another, telling me how unimportant I am.  Driving home from work, the words came out, talking to the Father., "I feel so small, God.. so cast aside.. so insignificant.. "  And with the words, came today’s moments of feeling insignificant to people, and the sting of rejection from months, years even, of feeling that way just kinda poured out with it. Its not the first time God has shown me how deep my struggle for value is. It’s not the first time He’s spoken to my heart that I am His, and that’s all that matters. How quickly we forget that. And I think He knows that. I also think that in His compassion, He understands that sometimes knowing we're His doesn't feel like that's all that matters. That can be argued, but I know His compassion and mercy is way bigger than feelings I struggle with, I don't think there's anything that intimidates Him, and my bible still says nothing can separate me from His love, so I'm gonna trust that, and just be real. ;) Often lately I’ve told Him.. I know it in my head, God.. I don’t feel it in my heart. I feel unplugged, and I know thats the case with the truth of feeling insignificant..   I can’t explain it fully, but in this season, more than ever, He's leading me to be who I am in Him, and I'm learning that is someone who really has to experience something to "get it". See it, taste it, feel it, not just hear or say it. And today, I experienced feeling insignificant, but also got to experience His love through it. That makes it all real to me. He also made me a visionary. Not in a Steve Jobs kind of way, necessarily. In a sense that when God speaks to me, its in pictures. When I read the Word, or study anything, it usually involves images He gives me, so I experience it. So today, when I whispered to Him, that I felt that way, and the tears {and the freakin Nile River of pent up emotions} came flooding out, He answered me.. by speaking to me through the way He created me. Sounds simple. But maybe we miss that a lot, we miss the forest for the trees, so to speak. All I know is I felt the stretch, and then I saw the growth. There’s this one image that’s so deeply burned into the depths of my heart, and it gets me every time. It’s not just words on a page or even from His voice, saying, “you’re Mine”, though those are great.. It’s an image of the reddest red you’ve ever seen.. The blood of Christ rolling down the bottom of a jagged, wood cross. And the echo of something He spoke so clearly to me last year.. “I thought of you when I was up there on that cross..” It sunk into my heart all over again..  It didn’t make me feel bigger. I still felt just as small. It didn’t make it not hurt to feel dismissed and cut out of people’s hearts intentionally.. But it cured the "insignificant" part,or at least began a healing work in it.  At the same time it humbled me, it brought forth this surge of whispers of the Word of God, reminding me who I am. Reminding me that even before I was born, He knew me. He spent time making me, beautifully, fearfully, wonderfully.. The God of heaven and earth spent time creating a life and a purpose for me. He reminded me that He has never left me, and never will forsake me, and that He’s with me in every moment, good or bad. And when He took on my sins, my failures, my hurt, and even all the rejections of people and pain of circumstances, and hung on that cross for me, it was for one purpose.. So that I could be with Him forever. That has a way of overshadowing how insignificant and cast aside people can make you feel.. The moral of the story {ya'll}.. When the world makes you feel like you’re small, insignificant, or cast aside, the cross will remind you that your value and worth only belongs in one pair of hands.. the only hands that bled for you.. and for me..

Onward. Upward.

Transition: process of change: a process or period in which something undergoes a change and passes from one state, stage, form, or activity to another



As a follower of Jesus Christ, I’ve learned that all seasons are seasons of transition, and in no other season of my life have I experienced transition like this current one. Not just in my own heart and life, but in the lives of those close to me.

God is moving people forward, pulling people back, and often those two things coincide, in a way only God can orchestrate.


Tomorrow, I transition from my 20’s in age to my 30’s.


Six months ago, I completely dreaded turning 30. From where I was, I only saw the gap,on the "map" between "You Are Here" and the “you should be” at 29, and it was painful. But God has led me through a process in these past 6 months, where I have closed a lot of that gap, but no longer let it dictate my value. In that, and through that, I can now embrace turning 30, as a pivotal day in my life, and my walk, believing that the very best in my life is still ahead.


 I’m sure there are those who can look back on their 20’s with either a sense of deep loss or great nostalgia, or a combination. I can recall memories, and blessings, easily. But if I had to sum up this entire past decade of my life, as a whole, it would be one of tremendous struggle and loss. Even good struggles – the kind that comes with carrying our own cross, and the loss of our own lives in order to gain true life in the Lord. The good and the bad are both painful, and ultimately, are all used for my good {because that’s the kind of God I serve}.


There are certain graces of God that can only be experienced in great trials and suffering, and being aware of that grace, though most often in hindsight, is what makes anything behind us feel that it was not wasted. I have been made aware of so much of that grace in this season.


In reflection of the past decade, there’s a quiet sadness, some questions, some revelation, and a lot of recognizing the hand of God on me, even when my hands didn’t reach for Him.

I can’t look at my 20’s with total regret, because it was in them, that I finally laid my life down at the feet of Jesus, and asked Him to come and be Mine, and let me be His. I’ll never forget the night He responded, and I’ll never be the same. But, if I could, I’d go back to a lot of moments and seasons and do things differently, I think we all would.


If I could go back to the girl I was in my 20’s, maybe I’d give that girl a big hug, and tell her that being controlled and abused did not equal love. I’d share with her instead, the gentleness, the compassion, the love of Christ, and I’d tell her just how valuable she was to Him.


Maybe I’d tell her that throughout the next decade, and in fact her whole life, countless friendships would be lost and broken. Some would mend. Some would not. But I would tell her to love wholeheartedly and to the best of her ability, regardless, in each one of them. Because people will leave. People will betray us. We will give our absolute best to people, and build memories, love, and make enormous investments in their heart, but that does not “buy” any guarantees that they won’t walk away. And maybe I'd tell her that goes both ways, so be aware of how she responds to people that love her wholeheartedly.


Maybe I’d tell her that she’d lose people because of who she was without Jesus in her life and then I’d tell her that she’d lose more because one day she would choose Jesus as Lord of her life, and people wouldn’t like it. I’d tell her that’s okay, and that she would heal, and there would be grace to walk through that.

Maybe I’d tell her that worse than the pain of broken friendship, is the pain and regret of knowing you didn’t love someone with all you had, and the best you could.


I’d tell her to save more money. Spend less money, and stop spending it on things that don’t matter.


I’d tell her to let God “number her days”, and to make the most of every moment. {I’m still working on this, even as I type it..} To learn to live in the “right now”: trust God with the future, learn from the past, but be fully present where she is right now.


I’d tell her to be very careful with people’s hearts. Don’t deceive them, and don’t break them. But if she does break one, be quick to repent, and quick to apologize.

I'd warn her that the marks that we leave on people, as I have learned so profoundly, don’t’ go away just because we go away, or because we forget that we hurt someone.

Maybe I'd tell her to take care of peoples’ hearts, because every one of them matters to God.


Maybe.


{Or maybe I wouldn’t tell her}. Maybe if I had the chance to go back and help her “undo” it all, I would decide not to.. Knowing that if God allowed all those things to pass through her life and experience, He had good reason for it. He loves her so much more than I do. He’s so much more capable of teaching and speaking than I am.


Maybe it’s mosaics that the Creator enjoys creating more than anything. Maybe in those broken pieces, mistakes, losses, failures, and wrong turns, the Lord saw Himself – not that He has broken pieces, but that I was His, and therefore He was in them all along. Maybe it’s the broken pieces that make the best mosaics. The ones made by the God of heaven and earth, Who promises to use all things to work together for the good of those who love Him. {I love Him.} And {maybe} where I was going with this blog totally took a different turn as I typed out those words, and He was speaking to my heart. {I love Him. So much.}

So. As I transition over “the hill”.. which is, by the way, not true. I refuse to go over any kind of hill unless I’m on a horse {thank you very much.} There will be more pieces to what God created and saw in His heart when He made me, and neither He or I are in a hurry to get to the end of the process. He’s teaching me how to enjoy the ride.


Hellen Keller is quoted to say, “life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all”. I’ve always loved that quote, and I intend to live it as I move forward in my life.


There will be loss, and heartache, and tragedy. But there will be more than enough grace to walk through them.


There will be joy, , and moments where I laugh so hard it hurts. {Many of them tonight, in fact}. ;)


There will always be transitions. Always be struggles and victories. Valleys of the shadow of death, and green pasture, still waters. There will be more lessons I will learn the hard way, probably repeatedly, and there will be celebrations, love, ministry, and dreams that God’s breathes His life into. There will be new mercies, and new layers of dying to myself. There will be tears, and battles, and bills to pay. There will be loss and also incredible blessings. And as I say goodbye to my 20’s, everything in me is ecstatic about embracing all of those things that are “now”, and the ones that are to come, with all of my heart, knowing that my God is with me, and He has called me to live like I know that.


20’s were about losing me, and finding Him.


30’s are going to be about knowing Him, and finding myself in His story, while living the life of purpose, peace, joy, and adventure that He’s laid in front of me. {I think I’ll finally take it.} A life that reflects Him, and one that gets as close as possible to being worthy of the blood He shed on the cross, for me.


Yeehaw.
:)

Starving Snake, Loving Father.

She still takes my breath away sometimes.

{Like she did the first moments I held her.}

She’s growing up, into this crazy-brown-curls-covered blessing, with her own opinions and dreams, neon colored gloves, and oh-so-dramatic storylines flowing throughout her 10 year old social life..

And often, I catch a glimpse of myself in her. When she’s coloring, or creating, or laying on the couch, feet propped up on the back of it, lost in a book she’s reading. I also see me in her little nose, and in her hands. I love her innocence, and her contagious laugh. I love the real person that’s emerging from that little bundle of sweetness that came into my life ten years ago.

She’s taught me so much.. At 19, unmarried, and in an ungodly, extremely difficult and hostile relationship, I became a mommy, and I had to learn to grow up. {I’m still learning..} Obviously if I could go back and do it right, I would, but I’m so thankful for the mercy of God that came then, even when I wasn’t living for Him, and hadn’t even really thought of Him much since children’s’ church. That mercy came into this world and changed me forever.

She’s still changing me, and the funny thing is, that it’s still through the very same mercy and grace of God that she’s doing so.

{Truth} My flesh doesn’t want to share this with anyone, because its just too personal – too close to my heart. I'm not proud of some things. But what God did through it is worth of praise and testimony, so I’m willing.

A couple weeks ago, my 10 year old got a little frustrated and immediately got overwhelmed with anxiety, and in turn, I followed suit. I used to experience anxiety attacks, and kinda just accepted them as something I do when I’m overwhelmed, but as I watched it come over my daughter, I wasn’t as accepting. I prayed. I rebuked. I cast out demonic spirits and lying thoughts, and prayed peace over her, begging Jesus to come and put His hand on her. I say this in humility, I got really frustrated with her, when I couldn’t make it stop, and I expected her to make it stop..

Eventually, it subsided, but obviously I’ve stayed concerned over it, and apologized to her for getting frustrated and insinuating at one point (20 minutes in) that she was faking it. {I know.. deduct 300 mommy points..}

Last night, as I’m making dinner and she’s at the table doing her homework, the anxiety attack came back, and that fierce frustration immediately tried to rise up inside me. She went to the bathroom and I took a deep breath and prayed out loud, “Father.. what do I do?”

I’m struggling to really describe how aware I became of His immediate response to my prayer, and how aware of Him leading me I was in the moments that followed.

He led me to parent her the way He parents me. He showed me things I know, things I read in my bible, but He knows that for me, true revelation comes most often by experiencing those things, and He allows me to learn that way.

It was intense. With 2 elbows on the table {we aren’t real big on dining etiquette at our house} and her little hands cupped her forehead, she kinda lost it at one point and had 2 handfuls of her own hair. {yikes} My flesh wanted to come through the roof. It scared me to see her like that.

She was crying, and freaking out, saying “help me”. {gut wrenching}. Instead of getting frustrated this time though, I felt the leading of the Spirit, and I sat down in front of her and waited.. {what?.. I know right..} I calmly asked her some questions, leading her to explain to me how she was feeling and the thoughts that she was having. She’d get better for a minute, and then get overwhelmed again. And then I felt like the Lord was revealing to me that this is becoming a coping method – a pattern that’s becoming how she deals with frustration, and He gave me some wisdom that was hard to walk out, and analogy to share with her.

I explained to her that what we were dealing with wasn’t of her, but it was an attack, and we know it wasn’t from God because His Word says to “not be anxious about anything”, so anxiety was an attack of the enemy.

It sounds harsh, but I felt led to explain to her that our home was to be a place of peace, so we had to get the anxiety out of our home, and to do so, we had to go and stand outside until it subsided. She was scared, assuming I was going to put her outside alone, but as I went with her, and she clung to me, I felt the grace on me. I stayed calm and patient. Waiting with her, holding her hand. We stood in the cold for about ten minutes, and when she was calm, we went back inside, and the storm was over.

I shared the analogy with her that the Lord had given me, that there are two things we "feed" with our words, emotions, and actions - the snake and the horse. The snake is evil, and the horse is good. And the anxiety comes from the snake, so we have to be careful not to feed it. If we make it starve, it will die. But in those moments when the snake is trying to bite us, if we'll try to feed the horse instead, using God's Words, we can climb up on His back and be up  high off the ground where the snake cant get us.

{genius right.. I know that was from God, because its far too simple to be from me}

                                           

 We did her homework, and ate dinner in peace, and as the night went on, the Lord reflected His light on the events that had occurred, and showed me that as He was teaching me how to handle the situation in His love, not of my own flesh, He was also showing me how He parents me as well.

The irony, is that I was the one He taught the feed the horse, starve the snake principle too, and He led me to walk it out with her, and then teach it. That's so how He is. I thought of her sitting there, totally overwhelmed, literally pulling her own hair out. The intensity and terror of that sight; the tears and swollen, red eyes from crying so hard that she had in that moment, and once again – I saw myself. I saw what my own anxiety looks like, and the compassion and patience that overcame me at the moment I prayed for help, was the same compassion and patience the Lord bestows on me when I allow anxiety to beat me down.

The Holy Spirit walked me through the ordeal in my heart, showing me how He asks me questions as well, prompting my heart to pull away from anxiety and push into His peace. He showed me that often, He has to lead me away, into another place, sometimes where it seems cold and uncomfortable, so there’s more incentive to calm down. He pointed out that He never gets angry at me or frustrated, and I thought of how I’d reacted before, and repented {again} for getting frustrated with her. Once again, His kindness led me to repentance. Once again, what the enemy meant for evil, the Lord worked for good both between me and my daughter, and me and my Father.

It’s a hard thing to admit that I’m not a perfect parent, especially in a blog, where I know people will read it and think of how much better they would have handled things..

It’s a hard thing to ask for help, especially from a Father that you can’t see, and a Father who’s silence has often resounded loudly in various seasons. But I’m learning more and more, than its even harder to try to do it on my own.

Seeing my daughter in that light, and receiving His help to parent her His way and handle it His way, showed me that in the same way I look at her, He looks at me.

I still take His breath away sometimes.

Just like I did when He first created me, before He finished knitting me together.

Often, He catches glimpses of Himself in me. When I’m creating.. when I’m loving.. and I have to believe that something in His own heart reacts, in the same way mine does when I see myself in my child.

I cant decide if the revelation of His voice and leading, moment by moment through that was the best part, or if the calm trust and closeness that I felt afterwards from my daughter was the best part. Probably both. And just as beautiful, was recognizing that those feelings in the natural were reflections of my relationship with Him.. And I too, get to choose, moment by moment, whether I will feed the snake or feed the horse.

What About You.. Are You Feeding the Snake, or Feeding the Horse?

I dont know if snakes are more prominent in the winter than summer, probably not, but in the spirit, they sure seem to be more obvious in the winter. Maybe because there's less camoflauge. Maybe their attacks are more intense, because they're more desperate for food. Who knows. But with the cold and shortened daylight, there always seems to be a surge in snake encounters, at least spiritually speaking.

Your snake may not be anxiety attacks.. but it's fear of some kind. It's lies of all kinds. That's all the snake knows how to do, is lie, and they are always attached to fear. Always. And he's good at it, that's all the loser knows how to do, and all he has had to do since he got cast out from heaven for being a prideful idiot. What's your snake saying? What's God's truth about it?

We can choose to just get eaten alive {I know, thats disgusting} by snakes in this winter season, or, we can see it as a blessing.. if there's more snakes coming out, more snakes coming at us, that means they're exposed and we dont have to dig to find them first to make them die. They just come right up. And we choose to feed the horse, speak the Word, trust that He's gonna stoop down and allow us to climb up on His back. Horses can get spooked by snakes in the natural, but  not This Horse. In fact, even if the serpent should get a lick in on His heel, He's still gonna crush the snake with His might. A snake is no match for a horse. Especially not this Horse.

Let me save you some time and trouble, in case you're unaware, the snake is not threatened by me, or you. He's threatened by Who I belong to. We argue with him often, and assume he's scared of us because we are Christians. Believe me, he's eaten Christians just like you alive, many times. He is ONLY intimidated by Who you belong to, if you are in Christ.

I've often lost battles with the snake because I was assuming he would back off because I know Jesus. I had to speak Jesus {the Word, who became flesh and dwelt among us} I had to use that which was in me in the battle.. that's the stuff that makes him spoil his snakeskin.. so to speak. ;)

Dont have conversations with the snake. {just ask Eve, this doesn't bid well, ever.}

Don't invite him in, or leave doors open for him to invade through.

Spend time with the Horse even when the snakes arent around, so you'll learn what He likes to eat. ;)

When the snakes do come around, dont give it attention, dont feed it food. Just feed the Horse, and He will gladly lower to lift you up out of harm's way.

“So.. let me ask you, where are you at with God?”

It’s like chapter 4 in the book of How to Speak Christianese, right.. ? It’s the bridge from which we walk from casual conversation into a deeper thing, hoping to be able to speak life into someone, or lead them to the love of Christ if they don’t know Him.. Or sadly, in some cases, to interject our dumb, unbiblical opinions on them to to try to manipulate a change.. {but that’s a whole other blog}


{dare you: take a brutally honest inventory of what your heart’s response was to that question. Maybe even write it down. Who did you see, where were you, physically, what were your first thoughts and answers. Whats cool about this, is if you already forgot, you can just read it again. God will help. Hang onto that, you’ll wanna know later.}


Nothing wrong with that question.. but..God showed me something wrong about the internal response to that question, that I think is pretty profound, and like with everything else He reveals to me, He starts with revealing what’s in my heart before He leads me to share it with others.


{get real}. Let’s not pretend that most of us real Christians aren’t kinda (maybe silently or subtly) offended when another person asks us where we’re at with God, specifically a stranger. Not all, I’m sure there are some people that are totally holy and perfect, and have this thing figured all out and do it perfectly, never feel insecure about anything, but I’m not one of them. {shrug}

Recently I went down to the altar to get prayer at a church I visit on Sunday nights, and one of the people that prayed for me asked me where I was at with the Lord, and if I wanted to give my life to Him. I laughed and said I’m already saved, and I try to give my life to Him again daily, and she prayed for me and it was awesome, but.. subtly, somewhere way down deep, under the surface, God put His finger on something in my heart in that moment.. {crap..}


I’ve been wrestling with the Holy Spirit since then, trying to flick His finger off that spot in my heart, saying, “quit Jesus!.. there’s nothing there”.


{ps..that never works. When He says love is patient, He ain’t kiddin’.. He’ll wait.. }

The truth is, my response on the outside was a little laugh, a reassurance to that person that I was already saved.. but here’s what the reality was of what was going on in my heart:


1.“What? What the crap do you mean do I wanna give my life to the Lord lady? Have you mistaken me for one of the lost?” {seriously, i'm just being honest. }


2.“Me?? Isn’t it obvious that I’m a believer? Can’t you see it in my eyes? Because I can see it in other people’s eyes, or the absence of it. Why can’t you see that?”


3.Then my heart goes down the list of people that I’m not quite where they’re at spiritually.


4.Then it recites the ones that I feel way ahead of spiritually. {again.. just bein honest.}

5. Cue the movie screen of scenes of my life where I’ve had really intense experiences in the Lord - Oh there it is, that good ol’ comparison to where I’ve been lately or in the past. I saw myself pouring out, praying for people, handing sandwiches to homeless people, encouraging people in past moments. I saw myself on my face, in what seemed like puddles of tears, totally broken at the cross. I saw myself trying to walk down the hall at work with some kind of composure, while being completely drunk in the Holy Spirit. I saw myself in the season where I spent literally days at a time, completely overwhelmed and captivated by the tangible love of God and His sweet presence on me.. Not one of them answering the question of where i am right now, all of them seeming to taunt me, declaring that somehow I've become less than who I was in those moments.

Pride. Insecurity. More pride. Fear. Gang's all here. That's what God has had His finger on since I left that altar that night, trying to show me, trying to heal those tiny little places.

Truth: my heart should’ve responded with “right here at this altar, overwhelmed by His presence”, because that’s where I was with God, exactly.

Instead, I got prideful, I got defensive, I got critical first of someone else, and then of myself. I compared myself to other people, make assumptions and exalting them above myself, and then I go to the other extreme, and compare myself with people who aren’t where I’m at, exalting myself above them. {all pride. all sin.}

Before you form an opinion, consider how alike my heart’s responses might be to yours. Because I feel like the Lord showed me what was in my heart, to heal and encourage me and then to pass it along, because I’m maybe not the only one.. {maybe.}

What did your heart do in response to that question? What images did you see, what thoughts, what people, what past experiences went through your mind?

Here’s what it comes down to, and it’s really deep, {but that’s how I roll} but this is a big deal to God..

If you are a believer (like you really believe the gospel, and therefore your life actually reflects that all 7 days a week, not just on Sunday, or just on Easter..) if that is you, than the answer to “so where are you at with God” should be simple, sweet, peaceful, whatever that looks like for you, even if the answer is “struggling”.. at least that’s about YOU and in the here, now, the present. It shouldn’t be about someone else, or compared to anyone else.

If you are at least, whatever the circumstances, wholeheartedly and humble, in the “right now” and most importantly “with” God, then be encouraged, you’re at a good place with God. {You may submit all objections and arguments to that to the cross of Jesus Christ.}

I personally struggle with this comparison thing a lot, and God is just reaching down and extracting it from deep places.

{Caution: sharp left turn} Going on a rabbit trail from what I’ve been talking about, but I feel like I’m supposed to say this, maybe it will help someone else like it’s helped me lately..

Don’t compare yourself, your walk with the Lord, your value, your worth, to a single thing outside of the living Word of God. Where you are with God, has nothing to do with anyone else, or any other day than today, this day. We so often measure ourselves by others value in us, or lack thereof, or “what that church is doing” or where we used to be, or where we want to be. I feel like the Lord wants to say to His Bride, His people:

"Stop.. the only comparison that should be happening in your heart, is where you are right now, and what’s in my Word. Do you look like me? Do you walk like me? Do you talk like me? Do you turn the other cheek when others harm you? Do you live a life of repentance and praise? Are you humble? Are you willing to lay down everything you care for at My feet, and trust Me? Fully, with joy and excitement, not despair and rebellion? Do you take care of the needs of people inside and outside of the Body? Do you extend mercy to others, and grace to those that are so undeserving? Do you work hard to refuse temptations as they come, and speak My Holy word so that both the heavens and the gates of hell are aware of where you stand, and Who you stand with? Do you love when it hurts? Do you trust when you don’t see? Do you give freely, and obey the call on your heart to do My will? Do you lean on Me instead of your simple understanding and sight? Do you love me with all of your heart? Do you seek me, spend time with me, live to please me? Not one of these things is dependent upon any other person, or any other day or place.”

His Word, and His heart, that’s all we have to compare ourselves to. And what’s amazing about Jesus, is that He knows, as simple as He makes it, we still fall short, we still let fear win, and we still make mistakes. So for whoever that is for besides me, decide today that you’re done comparing yourself with other people, even yourself in the past, or yourself in the future. It’s exhausting, unnecessary, and invites defeat and hopelessness. Stay with God, in today, and you will remain in an unquestionable good place with God. Whatever may come.

xoxo -
Krissy